Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Sitting in a meeting at work a couple of weeks ago, something dawned on me.

I am terrified of commitment.

Big ones, small ones... any kind.  Which shoes should I buy? Brown clogs? Green flip-flops? Tan boots? Which car? SUV? Mid size? Mini van?  Which paint? Should I go back to school/remodel the kitchen/get a small business loan/switch to a different mineral water/launch a new website?

I spend entirely TOO much time thinking and agonizing over these things. Yes, some decisions require a lot of thought and consideration, but for others its downright ridiculous how much time I waste deciding whether to move forward.

Now, this may sound strange coming from a woman who has been happily involved with one man for going on 8 years and married for going on 7... so let me explain.

I'm not afraid to commit to things I know and believe are "failsafe."  I feel that way about Mike and my marriage. The man is the most loyal man on earth and has never let me down, not once.

I am also committed to God.  I have seen Him work in my life so many times and in so many different ways... it cannot be a coincidence. Although I do read the Bible from time to time when I can discipline myself, I am not at all good at quoting scripture.  Anyway, I am thinking of the part in it where Jesus is fasting and walking around (in the desert, is it?) and Satan is trying all different sorts of things to tempt him... saying stuff like, "If you really are the Christ, then turn that rock into a loaf of bread!"  Jesus refuses to of course because part of his coming to Earth was to be like us and to not use his "powers."

Anyway, the point of that little Bible story? That I am hiding my powers from everyone? LOL, no.  In fact, I don't even know if sharing that story has any relevance to my post other than for me to note that Jesus was amazingly humble and didn't show off even though he could have.

Annnnyyyyway... back to commitment. I have a terrible time committing. That's it.  To all sorts of things... things like, "should I get rid of this ten year old t-shirt that is practically threadbare and full of holes?" Nawww.... I might need it someday.  (is that fear or commitment? or hoarding...) OR...

Server: "Would you like a glass of water?"
Me: "Uh... well... Hmmmm, ya know... I'm not sure. Heh. Ahh. I'm having coffee.  OH. Do I want water, too?  Ummmm. No thanks. WAIT. No, yeah. Sure, I guess."

ARRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this about myself!!!

Or... how about...deciding on a career????

Beginning of college career - Age 18: Check "prenursing" box on admission to UWS.  6 months in: Quit.  Age 19: 6 months later: Decide I want to be a radiological technician, or "rad tech."  Transfer to DCC, as it was then, back in 1992.  Waiting list was 2 yrs long. Quit school.  Decide FOND DU LAC is the way to go! Actually complete AA degree.  Age 20: Transfer BACK to UWS.  Decide to be "broad field science" major, since there is no astronaut track. (hahahaha) Get pregnant, get married, (not necessarily in that order) put school on hold. Move to KC. (geographical escape).  Explore MANY universities. KU, K State, DeVry.  Last in KC only 6 months due to "issues."  Age 21: Have baby, get divorced. (in that order). Return to UWS (AGAIN!) This time major is... (???) Teaching? I think? Last awhile.  Decide broadcasting is the way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!! Age 26: BACK TO LSC. (DCC now defunct.) Complete and earn (useless) Broadcasting "diploma." Hmmm... move into a lucrative career in radio sales, my first job pays a whopping $200 a week.  Move to KDLH- return to UWS (AGAIN!! need that B.S. degree). Graduate with degree in Mass Comm/Psych. (2002). Stay out of school until I get the itch again in April, 2010 and am accepted into CSS's masters program in Exercise Physiology.

Why do I have this fear of commitment? Is it because I think I will fail? Or because things never are as I plan them to be in my head????

I just want to stop thinking thinking thinking so much.  Is there any solution to this????

Oh, wait. I know there was a point to this entire rambling post. The point being, the reason I am NOT seeing more success with my Beachbody business, is that I never fully committed to it.  When I did focus on it, it did well. When I stuck it on the shelf, it just sat there.  Go figure, right?

So I have been a coach for 2 years now, and despite going through periods of time where I've done VERY little with the business, I have continued to earn over $100 a month. Through very little effort of my own. This is very sad to me because I know if I were to make an EFFORT... a COMMITMENT, I could do so much better.

Currently, I am an Emerald Coach. I have four coaches underneath me. I earn commission from the sales of the coaches below me, and of course I earn commission on what I sell (25%).

Here are my plans going forward to help myself grow my BB business:

*Network with at least 3 people per day about Beachbody
*Work out in WOWY, Beachbody's online gym every day
*Resume Shakeology
*Start INSANITY on April 1!

I had been on Shakeology prior to getting pregnant with Emmy and LOVED it. I felt so good... but had to stop when I got pregnant. I have been meaning to start up again, but various things have been getting in the way.  No more! I am going to commit to it and see what kind of changes will take place.

Let me know if I can help you reach any of your health and fitness goals!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Therapy Session

March, 2000

The pic to the left is me with 185 pounds on my 63 inch frame. Some of you have seen this pic, but I like to take it out frequently so I don't forget where I was and what I can go back to if I fall off track.  Even though I've lost over 60 pounds since that pic was taken, I still think very much the same...or I should say I regress to thinking that I will lose what I have achieved.  I have a fat brain.  I don't always think like a fit, athletic, capable person.  It is a daily struggle.

I probably think about food 90% of the day... either I'm thinking what to eat, what not to eat, if I ate too much, if I can let myself eat something I want but shouldn't have, what I weighed that day. Is my weight creeping up? Do my pants feel tighter, or is it just my imagination? Do my thighs look big the way I am sitting???  Seriously, it gets so damn old.
Feb. 2011

I know there are a lot of more important things going on in the world and things people are suffering through that are much more horrible than what I have to deal with. Some days my self-examination is off the charts...and I just want to say to myself.. WHO F'N CARES IF YOU GAINED TWO POUNDS!" There are earthquakes and tsunamis and child abuse and poverty and famine... and you are worried about gaining two effffing pounds.  It makes me feel horribly guilty, but I can't help it. Other days, like when I feel good about my body, I've had a great workout, my clothes fit well... the voice in my head is quiet.

I just wish I could eat whatever and not think about it so much. I've tried this experiment in a million different ways... but the bottom line is, no matter what I do... I can never relax. I need to be constantly vigilant or the pounds start creeping back on.

I guess it just seems so unfair... the way I am careful almost all the time, am very regimented about exercise...but it never gets easier and the obsession with food and weight never goes away.