Saturday, March 12, 2011

Therapy Session

March, 2000

The pic to the left is me with 185 pounds on my 63 inch frame. Some of you have seen this pic, but I like to take it out frequently so I don't forget where I was and what I can go back to if I fall off track.  Even though I've lost over 60 pounds since that pic was taken, I still think very much the same...or I should say I regress to thinking that I will lose what I have achieved.  I have a fat brain.  I don't always think like a fit, athletic, capable person.  It is a daily struggle.

I probably think about food 90% of the day... either I'm thinking what to eat, what not to eat, if I ate too much, if I can let myself eat something I want but shouldn't have, what I weighed that day. Is my weight creeping up? Do my pants feel tighter, or is it just my imagination? Do my thighs look big the way I am sitting???  Seriously, it gets so damn old.
Feb. 2011

I know there are a lot of more important things going on in the world and things people are suffering through that are much more horrible than what I have to deal with. Some days my self-examination is off the charts...and I just want to say to myself.. WHO F'N CARES IF YOU GAINED TWO POUNDS!" There are earthquakes and tsunamis and child abuse and poverty and famine... and you are worried about gaining two effffing pounds.  It makes me feel horribly guilty, but I can't help it. Other days, like when I feel good about my body, I've had a great workout, my clothes fit well... the voice in my head is quiet.

I just wish I could eat whatever and not think about it so much. I've tried this experiment in a million different ways... but the bottom line is, no matter what I do... I can never relax. I need to be constantly vigilant or the pounds start creeping back on.

I guess it just seems so unfair... the way I am careful almost all the time, am very regimented about exercise...but it never gets easier and the obsession with food and weight never goes away. 

1 comment:

  1. Melissa... the scary thing is, I could have written that post word for word. Even with that damn picture (I have the same You say exactly what I feel. There is no escape and that is the scary part of this whole thing is that we are never going to get past this and lead a "normal" life. I am going to a "eating disorder" meeting tomorrow night at a local library. Hope it helps me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and there is a way to change this whole way of thinking. I don't like living this way (as I know you don't). I don't like thinking about food 24/7 and wish to GOD I could just eat normal and just open the fridge and have something and be done with it. Not worry can I eat this, is it going to effect me in one way or another... this sucks big time. I will let you know how it goes.... Christina


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